Archive for June, 2008

The Happening

the-happening.jpgAlright, so, without giving too much away, an airborne virus of some sort goes around infecting people and causes them to go crazy and kill themselves. The race to avoid infection begins.

Let me start by saying that I like Mark Wahlberg and I can’t think of anything he’s ever been in, that I didn’t like. Having said that though, I’ll admit that he’s really not a very good actor. He just never really seems all that believable. But, like I said, I still like him, and I’m willing to overlook his sub par acting chops. And Zooey Deschanel (who’s looks WAY mo’ betta blonde) — same thing. I don’t think she’s actually as good as I always think she is. But there’s something about her that I like. She just has this, kind of, indescribable appeal to her.

That seemed to be a running theme with The Happening. It looked good. It had all the right parts to be good. But in the end, it was just okay. And I think the problem was in the execution. M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong just seemed to phone this one in. It’s a given that Marky Mark and Zooey Mmm-schanel aren’t Academy Award-winning actors, but it’s the director’s job to get everything out of them that he can. Grab ‘em by the collar and shake it out of ‘em if he needs to. But, he didn’t. He just let them be mediocre. And so, that’s how it was.

This makes me think one thing. “M.” has some great ideas. All of his movies have that same potential. He’s also great at visually creating certain moods on screen. But maybe he just isn’t good at directing PEOPLE. I mean, at first, he didn’t HAVE to. Bruce Willis (twice), Mel Gibson, even Joaquin Phoenix — all their movies were fine. But, when the best he had to work with was Paul Giamatti (Lady in the Water) and Wahlberg, there was something missing. Alot was left on the table. And I believe it was because the director, the leader, didn’t challenge his people.

It’s too bad. Because of that, The Happening was “okay”. Maybe, “alright”. But not “great”. And it COULD’VE been.

Wanted

WantedI scored two free passes into a sneak preview of Wanted last night. I immediately thought of Jeremy, figuring it would be right up his alley. Well, he decided that he’d rather “get the points up” (whatever that means) for the “Garage Mahal” he’s building. “FINE!!!”, I replied. I wasn’t about to let poopy pants Jeremy ruin my night, so I holla’d at Jeff to come instead. And not that Jeff is somehow secondary to Jeremy ’cause it ain’t like that, so don’t be a turd. I just thought, at first, that Jeremy would like it mo’ betta. Anyway, Jeff an I hit up Arby’s and paid $42 for $3 sandwiches, and were off to the show.

James McAvoy plays a big fat nobody,Wesley Gibson, who’s recruited by Fox (Angelina Jolie) and the rest of her hard-ass, uber-assassin buddies called “The Fraternity” to kill the rogue Fraternity member that’s killing them all, one by one, including Wesley’s deadbeat dad. Got it?

I was impressed. It was COMPLETELY over the top. It was was unrealistic. It was cheeky. Ty Burr called it “neither too stupid to entirely discount nor smart enough to take seriously,” and I don’t entirely disagree with that. But I still liked it. It got right to the point and never felt dragged out. The action sequences, and there were plenty, were exciting and held your attention. Even the cheekyness, although cheeky, made for a few good laughs along the way. Morgan Freeman was, well, Morgan Freeman. And, you know what? Angelina Jolie was even tolerable, and we all know how I feel about her.

“So what’re you waiting for?”

Meow.

Frackin’ Hillbilly Redneck Re-Re’s!

In case you haven’t heard, it’s flooding out in the midwest. This morning, it became clear to me that this flood was nature’s latest attempt at ridding us of this useless mass of incompetent red states.

“Levee me alone!”You see, a dozen or so pigs managed to avoid the wrath of these floods by escaping their farm in THE Iowa just in the knick of time. I say “a dozen or so” because they’re “not sure” exactly how many. They said somewhere between 10 and 16 of ‘em. I guess they they just can’t count that high. Anyway, they were able to kinda Milo and Otis their way to a “levee” (fancy hillbilly word for a big ol’ pile o’ sandbags) where they were just sort of chillin’ — trying to, you know, not die.

Apparently, this freaked out the uh, “locals”. They were afraid that the pigs would break holes in the “levee” and the flood would rush down and destroy the town. All four houses, the hardware store, seven churches, and Wal-Mart. “They did not want to take a chance on losing a city due to a few hogs,” said Billy Bob.

SIDE NOTE: You know you’re a redneck when you use the word “hog” instead of “pig”.

So what did they do? Did they move the pigs to another part of town? Maybe to Cletus’ backyard? Nope. They went all “we have the right to bear arms”, and shot them. WTF?! I envision four or five inbred mutants in overalls and Dale Jr. hats standing in a row, each with a Marlboro red, complete with about three inches of ash, hangin’ out of one side of their mouths, and an over-sized 22 oz. can of Schlitz in hand, shouting “Get my shotgun, Betty Jo! I’m bringin’ dinner home tonight!”

Except, they didn’t even do that!

The carcasses were left at the site and treated essentially as road kill, Billy Bob said. “You don’t get them out of the mud and over the dike when you’re worried about people and people’s property,” he said.

WHAT?! If you can make sense out of that, let me know. I’ll wanna stop talking to you.

But listen, I’m not some tree-huggin’, PETA-freak, animal rights activist. I like bacon, and pork chops, and a nice honey ham dinner on holidays just as much as the next guy. But there was no need whatsoever to just up and kill those P-I-G-S. In the civilized world, if an animal is in your way, you move it. You don’t use it as an excuse to pull out your prized General Lee special. Literally and figuratively.

Congratulations, you’ve proven that you’re one step above “hogs” in the evolutionary scale. Uh oh… I used the dreaded “E” word, didn’t I? Sone’bitch!

P.S. For the full article, minus my special commentary, click ova here.

Another Father’s Day!

I can’t believe this is my third Father’s Day.  It definitely goes by fast!  And, as much as I joke on here like I do, I wanna be serious for a moment and wish a Happy Father’s Day to every other dad out there.  Enjoy your grills, or your golf, or power tools, or whatever it is that floats your boat (pun only mildly intended).

OVERHEARD AT WORK

“Not in MY box!” exclaimed Jitterbug.




Copyright © 2007 Todd Soren. All rights reserved. SUCKA!