In case you didn’t get the memo, “they” thought they found the dead body of Bigfoot (Sasquatch for all my nerd friends out there. But I hate that name so, I’ll be using Bigfoot. It’s much more endearing.) Really. It was on the internet. Anyway, long story short, a couple guys out in the woods said they “happened upon” a whole Bigfoot den — complete with a faux finish on the walls, family pictures, and an HD plasma TV with digital surround sound. (Okay, so I made that part up. But it’s far more entertaining to think of the furry fella dying in his sleep while watching Harry and the Hendersons from his La-Z-Boy instead of keeling over on a big rock.) Anyway, they find this body and reveal it to the rest of civilization.

Of course, then the experts got involved and they wanted to look the thing over and do a DNA test. Super. Days go by. The world I’m waiting anxiously to hear what the dilly. Finally, the DNA results are in. “You are NOT the father!” (Sorry again. My inner-Maury got a little over-excited.) The DNA results show that it’s not Bigfoot.

There were two samples taken for testing. One came back as human. The other came back as opossum. An upright-standing, 7 foot 7 inch opossum (’cause we see alot of THOSE around!). Bottom line is, it ain’t Bigfoot.

Well THEN, a “specialist” comes out and says that the whole thing was a hoax and that the “body” they had was actually a costume. Made of rubber. Seemingly purchased at any local costume shop or party store around Halloween.

So, for those of you that can’t read between the lines here, let me summarize. They thought they found Bigfoot. Fine. It turned out to be a hoax. Fine. But they did DNA tests — on a rubber costume. And instead coming back and saying “It’s rubber,” they thought it was human and opossum. AND… not only was their DNA testing CLEARLY faulty, nobody could tell it was a rubber costume? Not a single person scratched his receding hairline and said “Duhhh, I think I might have worn this to a party two years ago. Good times were had. There was an ice luge.”? Nobody thought the zipper up the back seemed a little outta place? Did they think he stopped in to see Ami at Miami Ink and got a “MADE IN CHINA” tattoo on the bottom of his foot because “that’s all the rage these days”? Seriously??? Gil Grissom would’ve gotten to the bottom of that by the first commercial break!

Anyway. Thanks for your time. I’ll step down from my pedestal now… until next time.