In case you haven’t heard, it’s flooding out in the midwest. This morning, it became clear to me that this flood was nature’s latest attempt at ridding us of this useless mass of incompetent red states.
You see, a dozen or so pigs managed to avoid the wrath of these floods by escaping their farm in THE Iowa just in the knick of time. I say “a dozen or so” because they’re “not sure” exactly how many. They said somewhere between 10 and 16 of ‘em. I guess they they just can’t count that high. Anyway, they were able to kinda Milo and Otis their way to a “levee” (fancy hillbilly word for a big ol’ pile o’ sandbags) where they were just sort of chillin’ — trying to, you know, not die.
Apparently, this freaked out the uh, “locals”. They were afraid that the pigs would break holes in the “levee” and the flood would rush down and destroy the town. All four houses, the hardware store, seven churches, and Wal-Mart. “They did not want to take a chance on losing a city due to a few hogs,” said Billy Bob.
SIDE NOTE: You know you’re a redneck when you use the word “hog” instead of “pig”.
So what did they do? Did they move the pigs to another part of town? Maybe to Cletus’ backyard? Nope. They went all “we have the right to bear arms”, and shot them. WTF?! I envision four or five inbred mutants in overalls and Dale Jr. hats standing in a row, each with a Marlboro red, complete with about three inches of ash, hangin’ out of one side of their mouths, and an over-sized 22 oz. can of Schlitz in hand, shouting “Get my shotgun, Betty Jo! I’m bringin’ dinner home tonight!”
Except, they didn’t even do that!
The carcasses were left at the site and treated essentially as road kill, Billy Bob said. “You don’t get them out of the mud and over the dike when you’re worried about people and people’s property,” he said.
WHAT?! If you can make sense out of that, let me know. I’ll wanna stop talking to you.
But listen, I’m not some tree-huggin’, PETA-freak, animal rights activist. I like bacon, and pork chops, and a nice honey ham dinner on holidays just as much as the next guy. But there was no need whatsoever to just up and kill those P-I-G-S. In the civilized world, if an animal is in your way, you move it. You don’t use it as an excuse to pull out your prized General Lee special. Literally and figuratively.
Congratulations, you’ve proven that you’re one step above “hogs” in the evolutionary scale. Uh oh… I used the dreaded “E” word, didn’t I? Sone’bitch!
P.S. For the full article, minus my special commentary, click ova here.
My question is: Did Phil run back into his little hole because he saw his shadow, or because he saw THESE two circus clowns again? I’m just sayin, I don’t think I’d be too thrilled to wake up for the first time in months and see these nut jobs, complete with their top hats and handlebar mustaches, not to mention the paparazzi, tryin’ to get their grubby mitts all ova my aforementioned cute little groundhog booTAY. I oughtta bite that finger off ya jackhole — but I’m a luva, not a fighta.
